HELLO EVERYONE. Awfully sorry about ignoring the last series of MIC. As I said on Twitter, this was largely because the Tatler documentary was airing at the same time and I was worried that drawing any more attention to all the disgusting poshos on TV might cause revolution in this country. Also, because I became so UNSPEAKABLY bored by the previous series of MIC that I needed to take a break to prevent my brain haemorrhaging.

But here we are again, the ninth series. The ninth! A whole new cast of characters! Exciting! Has a single one of them found a job? Got married? Stopped liberally spraying their bodily fluids across south London?

It seems not. To be fair, most of them were spraying these fluids in Barbados this episode, after a tediously contrived opening in which Jamie *almost* missed his flight.

Gathered on the sunny island were Spencer and his girlfriend, Lauren the human limpet, and Alex Mytton and his Irish dolly, Nicola. Then there was Jamie (because, like, PHEW, he made it after all), Andy and three new girls. Jess, Millie and Emily, who’s obviously going to be ‘the quirky one’ because she has pink hair and a nose ring. Oh and also a character called JP who looks like the sort of ‘bloody good chap’ who was born in a pair of brown loafers.

So there they all loll about like a bunch of actual tangerines on their sunbeds as if starring in Ex on the Beach, while Jamie and Andy bicker over Jess, who – predictably – has already porked Alex. ‘I’m distracted by your eyes,’ Andy slurs to Jess one night. ‘They’re more blue than the Barbados sea.’ Can I remind you all that Andy is the bellend who writes song lyrics like ‘There’s a whole full of water, flowing through my brain, I don’t know where I’m going, It’s driving me insane.’ Anyway, Jess apparently hasn’t heard these lyrics because she agrees to go on a date with Andy when they’re back in London, which annoys Jamie. So we can all expect this storyline to dribble out for the next 11 episodes.

There’s also trouble ahead for Spencer and Lauren. The girl didn’t leave his side once. Is her colostomy bag attached to him or something? It’s peculiar. ‘You’re like a married couple,’ jokes Jamie at one point. ‘We have too much sex to be married,’ Lauren shot back, which was part amusing, part unbearably smug. And also, what do they do with the colostomy bag during sex?

Whatever. Back in London, everyone else is hard at work at their desks and Binky is totally over Alex. Naaaaaaaaaaat. They’re fannying around drinking tea, shopping, hanging out in spas while STILL talking about Binky and Alex. ‘THEY DON’T CHANGE,’ screeches Binky, like a modern-day Mrs Rochester, while discussing whether Alex will behave any better with his latest victim slash girlfriend.

Elsewhere, that irritating German trollop is also back and Steph and Josh have just moved in but will doubtless be moving out again in seconds because she wants to fill their flat with overpriced trinkets from OKA and invite friends over and Josh isn’t down with this at ALL. Louise and Alik are still together, and he’s bought a new Harley Davidson so is more of a pillock than ever. If that’s even possible. Also, Stevie has gone a bit Bryan McFadden and grown a beard.

Did I miss anything out? Possibly, but then I’m a bit distracted by the thought of going on holiday myself tomorrow to the Bahamas. CHRIST, these poshos who go on sunny holidays all the time need the guillotine, don’t they?