So I was in Peter Jones yesterday buying various things for my kitchen. It was hell. I’ll wager there are more pleasant refugee camps. The downstairs kitcheny bit was full of people rushing around buying Nutribullets and screaming things like ‘PEREGRINE, HAVE YOU SEEN THEY’VE GOT LE CREUSET ON SALE?’ I mean, get a grip. It’s 2015. We’ve all got Nutribullets now.

Anyway, I was looking for wooden spoons. ‘Excuse me, I’m looking for wooden spoons?’ I asked a lady.

‘We’ve only got one sort,’ she replied, before marching me through the throng of Peregrines and Isabellas to point it out. And there it was, £1 for a wooden spoon. Marvellous. I also found these swinging next to them:

Isn’t that brilliant? Thank CHRIST that there is still somewhere so reassuring that it stocks marmalade scissors.

It reminded me of the time I convinced myself that my new Peter Jones duvet was too small, that the measurements on the duvet label MUST be wrong because every time I put a duvet cover on it there was a big gap on one side. I was INCENSED. It was an big, expensive feathery duvet but it was clearly faulty. So, I stuffed it into a black bin bag and carted it off to Peter Jones to complain and demand a new one.

They were very sympathetic at Peter Jones. They apologised and said could they just try it with one of their duvet covers to check.

‘Of course!’ I said. ‘Go right ahead.’ I stood on the shop floor feeling triumphant.

So they did try it with one of their duvets, and there WAS a big gap.

‘HA!’ I thought.

‘Hang on, can we just try the duvet the other way round?’ said one of the assistants.

So they turned the duvet the other way round inside the cover, and guess what? It fitted perfectly.

There was an awkward silence, before one of the assistants coughed and spoke up. ‘Do you want me to mark the duvet label so you know which way to put it in the cover?’ she asked, talking slowly because she was clearly addressing someone so criminally moronic that they didn’t know how to change a bed.

I actually can’t remember what I replied. I just crammed the duvet back into the black bin bag with as much dignity as I could muster (not much), and then went home again. So many thanks to Peter Jones, not only for their £1 wooden spoons and marmalade scissors, but because I now understand which duvet corners to put in my duvet cover first.