Today’s column which I’m putting up here ON TIME FOR FRIGGING ONCE

25th February 2018

HERE you go you lucky devils. Me being tragic. Again.

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Columns: one about a changing room incident and one about a tractor. »

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Me in my very practical dog walking clothes in @th

Me in my very practical dog walking clothes in @thetimesmagazine today, discussing the big question…🐶🐾

Ooooooh this is v lovely news. Looking Out For Lov

Ooooooh this is v lovely news. Looking Out For Love is a FINALIST for the RNAs 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Mum’s dog Beano, five years ago, after we picked

Mum’s dog Beano, five years ago, after we picked him up from a *slightly* dodgy breeder in Manchester. Have written my Substack today about that dramatic trip north, getting my own dog and whether I should adopt or shop??? Link in bio etc etc ETC 🐶🐾

Just a few of the judging cards from the last time

Just a few of the judging cards from the last time I went to the World Marmalade Awards, which I’ve written about and celebrated in today’s Substack. Forget Glastonbury! This is the world’s greatest festival. Link in bio. ‘There is a strong smell of pickle.’ 🧡🍊🧡🍊🧡🍊

Went to Cheltenham last week to interview @jadehol

Went to Cheltenham last week to interview @jadehollandcooper about her plans for world domination. Read all about it in the @thetimesmagazine this Saturday and online now. I CANNOT stop laughing at the pic I shoehorned myself into with Thomas Brodie Sangster (Love Actually) and Tallulah Riley. Hung out in the paddock with @edwestwick @iamamyjackson and @lornaluxe. Chatted betting tips with @gemowen_1. Took a snap with the actual Gold Cup. Reported on the Guinness and sausage rolls. A tough gig but someone’s got to etc etc

New book! MY NEW BOOK. Proofs have just landed and

New book! MY NEW BOOK. Proofs have just landed and it’s out in July. Set in a hotel in the South of France, (or the ‘S. of F.’ as Nicky Haslam memorably once wrote in a postcard), it’s Fawlty Towers meets The White Lotus and you can read more about it in today’s newsletter which I’ve just sent out. LINK IN BIO OK

Got @wendys_cakebooth to make a mini version of Mu

Got @wendys_cakebooth to make a mini version of Mum and Beano for @lucydmarmalade birthday cake. Beano probably more interested in the cake 🎂🎂🎂

If my Telegraph col today doesn’t *absolutely* m

If my Telegraph col today doesn’t *absolutely* make sense that’s because the last two paragraphs fell off. Now amended online. Link in stories etc. It’s about the rise of ‘parenthood clarity mentors’ and whether we need them…

I wrote about my new obsession (Yuka, the app) in

I wrote about my new obsession (Yuka, the app) in my newsletter this week and it made @thetimes again 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 ALSO, in my effort to stop eating literal slabs of Lurpak Spreadable on toast, I’ve reverted to proper butter and bought this butter dish which makes me laugh EVERY MORNING 🧈🧈🧈🧈🧈

Wahooooooo v v v thrilled that my first newsletter

Wahooooooo v v v thrilled that my first newsletter made @thetimes today! Pass The Castle. A game for all the family…🏰 Onwards and Sideways! is my new weekly Substack and it’ll (hopefully) always be full of such nonsense. Every Tuesday morning. LINK IN BIO

I made this *unbelievably tragic* diagram yesterda

I made this *unbelievably tragic* diagram yesterday while hovering on a side street in Crystal Palace to denote my proximity to Exhibit A (Gary Oldman) and Exhibit B (Jackson Lamb’s knackered old car). Have written about it in Onwards and Sideways!, my new newsletter which you can find by clicking the link in bio. I’ve also written about the poshest game you’ve probably never heard of, my recommendation of the week, and why Waitrose should be sent to prison for their latest hot cross bun offering…

SOME NEWS: I’ve been mulling over launching a we

Hahahahaha I’ve just seen this pic used to illus

Hahahahaha I’ve just seen this pic used to illustrate my car review this weekend, of the roomy Volvo XC90. Did you know that the Volvo has been voted the best car to, ahem, do it in? A scientific survey found that Volvos are the most popular because they’re so big, while Smart cars are the least popular because they’re so tiny. And here I am demonstrating the size of the boot, although tbf we mostly played backgammon all weekend. Link in stories for the piece…

Not up online yet but my @telegraph column today i

Not up online yet but my @telegraph column today is about my female pin-up (my mum 💕) and the extraordinary teams at Southampton and Portsmouth hospitals. Because while there’s obviously been much talk of the King, cancer and everybody affected by it in the past week or so, I haven’t seen quite so much about the astonishing people working behind scenes to help 😇😇😇😇😇

Here is the hilariously tragic Valentine’s Day p

Here is the hilariously tragic Valentine’s Day page from my diary (year 2000, aged 15), when I was definitely hoping for several mysterious cards in red envelopes but also had to concentrate on my biology test on respiration (‘little bit on smoking’). Wrote Saturday’s column on why it’s the least enjoyable day in the calendar (link in bio etc) even if you’re besotted with someone. What follows is a selection of the VERY WORST cards available this year. Like, astonishingly bad. I spent an hour on the Scribbler website so you don’t have to.

Also, bit of a plot spoiler but here’s my conclu

Also, bit of a plot spoiler but here’s my conclusion and general theory on lurrrrrrve, just in case it’s helpful. Everyone gets their turn, I reckon ❤️

Last weekend, wood burners. This weekend, a differ

Last weekend, wood burners. This weekend, a different kinda HEAT. Read all about it in today’s @thetimesmagazine. Thank you as always to @nicola_jeal for keeping a benevolent eye on my love life, the brilliant @dankennedyphoto for taking the snaps, @hannahlouiserogers for getting me in a bit of Vivienne and wonderful @juliawrenmakeup ❤️

‘Soph, do you want a drink?’ ‘Yeah but hang

‘Soph, do you want a drink?’

‘Yeah but hang on I’m just taking an important photograph as a fictional monkey.’

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 *ducks*

Look at my bird! (A kingfisher. I have also been u

Look at my bird! (A kingfisher. I have also been using my bird app - Merlin - almost constantly. Middle-aged holidays are LOVELY.)

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