I’ve never seen an X-Men film but my friends Jenn and Wyndham thought it would be a lark if I came to their birthday party as Mystique, Jennifer Lawrence’s shape-shifting character. It took J-Law seven hours EVERY DAY to be made up but I live in Ravenscourt Park, not Hollywood, so I had to improvise a bit.

I ordered a ballet leotard online, plus some blue body paint and red hair spray. I was going to buy yellow lenses but then I worried about all those stories you hear of novelty lenses blinding people. I also bought some white plimsols and sprayed them blue. I then made my friend Clare draw black scales on my arms, but said she didn’t have to do my nipples. I did those, and then the pen leaked through to my skin.

I wore Ugg boots in the car on the way to the party to keep my feet warm and forgot my blue shoes, so had to scamper about the party with bare feet. It didn’t really matter though. Mutants don’t have to worry about anything so pedestrian as shoes.