I was tottering down Albermarle Street today when I spotted this tasteful gorilla safe in the Asprey window. What a fine Christmas present for the oligarch in your life, I thought. They could keep a bit of their money in it. Not v much money, admittedly, as the gorilla’s only about a foot and a half high. But that’s alright because oligarchs tend to keep their money in lots of places – Zug, the Caymans, Monaco. They might as well stuff a few wads into a silver gorilla as well.

Anyway, I went in – dripping all over the thick Asprey carpet because it was raining – and asked how much it was. The shop assistant looked a bit surprised to be asked a question from someone with unbrushed hair wearing a parka. But she told me anyway – £32,000.

‘It’s silver, right?’ I checked.

‘Yes madam,’ she said solemnly. ‘Sterling silver plate.’

So I said thank you and that I’d be back soon. Samuel L Jackson has one apparently. He probably makes it wear a Kangol hat.