Mechanic: Hi madam, thanks for bringing your car in. We’ve had a look at it and there are a few things that need sorting.

Me: Rrrrright ok, course there are. What are we talking?

Mechanic: Well, for starters, the automatic left adjustable dynamic brake victoria sponge needs replacing.

Me: Ok, what exactly is…

Mechanic: …and then there’s the tectonic cyborg blade runner cooling system, that’s not looking good either.

Me: ?

Mechanic: Plus the engine’s magical unicorn lightsaber is totally knackered, so that needs to come out too.

Me: How much does that cost?

Mechanic: Ooooh, hard to say madam, but they’re not cheap.

Me: Of course they’re not. Anything else?

Mechanic: Nope.

Mechanic again: Oh yep hang on, you’ve got a deep gash in one of your elite nitrogen space shuttle tyres. So you could leave it, but you never know when you might be thundering down the motorway and then BANG, it goes.

Me: And are they very expensive?

Mechanic: They are indeed I’m sorry to say.

Me: Are you actually sorry though?

Mechanic: What’s that madam?

Me: Nothing, never mind. So what does that all come to then?

Mechanic: Well, all in, give or take, we’re looking at about four million and fifty six pounds. Do you want a car wash as well?

Me: Oh go on then, let’s go mad.

Mechanic: Smashing, that’ll be an extra £500.