Made in Chelsea blog, Series 9 Episode 5

Hi all. And what an episode of Made in Chelsea it was. So much politics talk! So much chat about the SNP in Scotland and how inaccurate the polls were throughout the general election campaign! So much discussion about the next Labour leader!*

Naaaaaat. Instead, COR BLIMEY there was a lot of agonising chat about dating. About Jess and Andy dating, about Jess and Fleur with the dangerously flashing eyes, about Lucy and James, about Binky and JP, about Jamie and Jess, about Toff and Elliot. Belt up everyone, less talk, more doing. This isn’t Jeremy Kyle. Get on with it.

My favourite bit of the entire thing was Alex Mytton making some kind of weird appointment to tell Irish Nicola that he loved her. Is that how boys do it? Do they look in the diary and go ‘Ah, smashing, got a free night next Tuesday. Think that’s the perfect moment to say ‘I love you.’ My girlfriend probably loves me back because I’m so spontaneous and happy-go-lucky.’

Coincidentally, Alex chose to do this on a boat on the Embankment where I recently went to a fetish party in a rubber catsuit FOR WORK PURPOSES. And he said the ‘I love you’ words to Nicola almost at the very spot I was flogged with a whip by a bald man in latex shorts. So that’s nice and romantic.

Anyway, looks like there’s trouble ahead with Jess for these two lovebirds. Andy finally spurned her this week, declaring that he didn’t want to go out with her because he might upset Jamie, who’s decided he does quite like Jess after all. But Jess doesn’t really like Jamie and might still be harbouring feelings for Alex so…zzzzzzzz. TBC, until at least the next election probably. I’m worried about Jamie’s hair by the way. All those years of Sun-In are starting to take their toll and it’s looking dangerously brittle. Can we send it some sort of care package?

My other best bit was Alik. HURRAH, he’s off the sofa, bounding along on a horse like a shit cowboy. ‘That was unreal, so cool man,’ he whooped afterwards. And then, there he was AGAIN being all sporty and having a go at Toff’s weird clay pigeon shooting party. Admittedly, Alik was total crap at shooting and had to snaffle out a heaving plate of pastrami, salami and turkey to keep his blood sugar levels up. But bravo him for getting out of the house. A journey starts with a single step and all that.

Oh and there was that unbelievably tedious drama between Lucy and Josh. I can’t decide whose team I’m on for this. The thing is, Lucy is mean and has the ability to strike a man down with a single roll of her eyes. But Josh is potentially the world’s most boring man. ‘We don’t talk about Lucy, it’s one of our rules,’ said Steph this episode. So that can be added to the list along with Josh’s other rules – no shoes in the house and no coloured drinks. Anyway, it’s going to be one of those ‘story lines’ that drags on for a few more episodes, so brace yourselves.

*For anyone who even THINKS about tweeting me saying ‘CHRIST YOU MORON THIS EPISODE WAS FILMED WEEKS BEFORE THE ELECTION,’ I do realise that. It’s sort of a gag. And also, for various complicated reasons, I got up at 4.51am to watch this drivel and couldn’t think of another intro. Alright?