Made in Chelsea blog, series 9, episode 6

Has anyone else noticed how it never rains in Made in Chelsea? The gales and the rain may be lashing down at your windows on one of those lovely, temperate May days we’ve been enjoying recently, but in Chelsea-slash-Fulham-slash-wherever-the-cast-can-get-a-restaurant-freebie, it’s sunny. Curious.

The mood, however, was bleak this week. Lots of carping. The Josh/Lucy/Steph debacle rumbles on, with Lucy still refusing to be friends with the world’s most boring man. Was Josh and Steph’s chocolate date not one of the oddest things you’ve ever seen? ‘I never find anyone like my dad because he’s so sweet, but you’ve nearly surpassed him,’ Steph bleated to Josh. JESUS, get that girl to a psychiatrist immediately.

Then there was all that bickering between Jess and Nicola over Alex. Alex Mytton. ACTUAL bickering over ACTUAL Alex Mytton, the kind of boy who should be sent through a sheep dip before anyone goes within five metres of him. I can’t believe there are two girls in the whole world who would fight over Alex, but the producers seem to have located both of them. Nicola is upset because Jess supposedly still likes Alex, although it’s quite hard to tell whether Nicola is upset underneath all that make-up. Jess insists she doesn’t, but as she seems to change her mind as often as the rest of us change our knickers, I’m pretty sure things might be different next week. Call me a prophet.

Talking of which, has Spencer just returned from a holiday in Syria? So bearded and swarthy, and he’s brought that unspeakable girlfriend back with him. What is up with her accent? Anyway, out for supper, the pair spy Lucy and James on a date, so Spencer sends over a bottle of champagne. Lucy sends it back and James looked a bit sad at this, like it was about to be a much cheaper date for him. Anyway, the upshot is Lauren has a right old bitch about Lucy and Spencer sticks up for her in a manner that suggests those wily old producers are about to bamboozle us with a BRILLIANT love twist. I mean, never mind that we did the whole Lucy and Spencer thing a few series ago. Let’s put ourselves through it all over again!

I did like the bit where Spencer was pretending to buy a motorbike though, when he talked about the last time he saw James. ‘I was naked in a forest,’ he smirked. ‘Big weekend.’ Maaaaaaate, congratulations, I remember when I had my first beer etc.

What else? I can’t be bothered to go into the Millie and Sam storyline much, because it makes me want to commit murder. Ditto the plodding dating of Binky and JP, Made in Chelsea’s very own Pete Doherty this week in that absurd hat and sheepskin coat.

The whole thing rounded off in a casino, which was presumably meant to feel all glamorous and Casino Royale but actually felt a bit grubby and Hippodrome. My reaction to Steph and Lucy’s showdown sounded a bit like this: yawn. If you want actual drama and sexy bits on TV – quite a lot of sexy bits actually – can I recommend The Affair, which started on Sunday night? It’s not only won Golden Globes, but it stars Dominic West AND Pacey from Dawson’s Creek and contains wholly believable storylines instead of wholly made-up ones.