Made in Chelsea blog, Series 9, Episode 7

Golly, it was a bit smutsville last night in Made in Chelsea. First off, let’s talk Lauren’s constant referrals to Spencer’s scrotum. She seems to be VERY concerned with that specific area.

‘Spencer will always take the easy road. He sometimes literally has no testicles,’ she drawled at one point to Lucy and Millie. ‘Grow some f*cking balls,’ she told Spencer himself at another juncture.

Deary me. Where can they have got to?

Perhaps we should launch a search party. Has anyone seen Spencer’s knackers? Are they propping up a bar somewhere along the King’s Road? Are they dancing on a sunbed in St Tropez wearing mini Vilbrequins, spraying champagne over everyone? Are they drinking ‘Cuinarrrrrrt’ together in a grubby West End club? Come on team, we must find them – if only because then Spencer might summon up enough spunk to ditch that drippy girlfriend.

Sam was also thinking about just one thing – foreplay, although he got this a bit confused with horseplay. Whatever you’re into, Sammy boy, there are websites for your particular kind of peversion. Human bridles, human saddles and so on. ‘Are you really good at sex?’ asked Alex incredulously, while discussing Sam’s date with Millie. ‘I might be,’ replied Sam, as if even he found this hard to believe. ‘I’d like to do it again,’ said Sam to Millie later on. ‘It IS quite fun,’ replied Millie, which is a cautious thumbs up I’d say, Sam. Tally ho.

Otherwise, the whole episode largely centered around the skiing trip to Courchevel and who was sleeping in which bed. JP wasn’t sure if he wanted to go on a skiing holiday with Binky this early into their non-relationship. ‘Normally at this stage, this is where I panic,’ he said solemnly in London before leaving. What? After one fairly chaste kiss? Get a grip, you goon. Anyway, so Spencer, Jamie, JP and James, Lucy, Louise and Binky all went off for a bit of showing off on the slopes, a bit of light mooning and endless discussion about who’s doing what to who.

MEANWHILE BACK IN LONDON EVERYONE IN CHELSEA DIED FROM ACTUAL BOREDOM BECAUSE JESS IS STILL WANGING ON ABOUT WHAT SHE DID OR DIDN’T SAY ABOUT ALEX. No one cares, love. Not even Alex Mytton himself wants to hear it from you anymore, declaring that it was ‘inappropriate’ for he and Jess to be friends anymore. It’s a pretty tragic state of affairs for Alex Mytton to be able to take the moral high ground like this.

There wasn’t much else, was there? Alik heaved himself from the sofa to a lobster restaurant. Spencer and that drip went to a tango class, I have literally no idea why. And then Spencer left the skiing trip early to scamper home and persuade Lauren not to leave him, proving that she may be right and Spencer may indeed have lost his love spuds. If you see them knocking around, try and wrestle them to the ground. Use a butterfly net or something. We’d all be grateful for their swift return.