You know that expression ‘bored to death’? I skirted quite close to it last night, sliding down my sofa, slack mouthed. I mean if there has EVER been a more dreary episode, I can’t recall it. So here are a few things that I *think* happened in this week’s episode, although I can’t be sure, because at certain points I may have briefly passed over to the other side.
1. Steph and Josh broke up because he can’t get a job with her, or something. ‘I turned my phone off and cried myself to sleep. That kind of bad crying where you feel like you’re going to be sick,’ Steph told Lucy. An over-reaction, I feel, when you should be celebrating the fact that you’re now free from a man who has the charisma of a damp hand towel. Keep those margaritas coming, I would.
2. Jess got her septum pierced. I can’t really be rude about nose piercings, because when I was 16 I had my nose pierced at a festival and I loved it even though there was a slight drama when the piercing gun got stuck, and I had to wear a little flesh-coloured plaster over it at school. But I’m not sure about a ring through the septum, Jess. It’s a bit running-through-the-streets-of-Pamplona.
3. GABRIELLA. The hat and the hair were terribly Wicked Witch of the West, but how simply ripping to see her again. ‘I’ve been in the studio, writing and recording,’ she told Binky. Weird that we haven’t heard any of this over here, but here’s hoping!
4. A question we’re all wondering after seeing Lucy at the beach: leather bikinis – are they a practical choice?
5. Binky and JP. Another storyline which makes death seem quite inviting. She has now decided she likes JP after all (on the basis he keeps talking to other girls, how dare he!), but JP doesn’t think the timing is right. Which is a polite way of saying ‘Chill out, you total psycho, I will talk to other girls if I want to.’
6. The thing is, JP is apparently into Olivia. ‘I love to have fun and drink occasionally, but connecting with the earth is so nice,’ she said while at the barbecue and showing off her, erm, wares before the pair slunk off to ‘play’ in the waterfall. Olivia is clearly a cyborg from another planet. Planet Silicon, possibly.
7. Jamie went on a date with Naz. This was a bit sweet, until Gabriella let slip that he’s had a crack at every other girl on the show while they were all fannying about in the gym. ‘That’s really awkward,’ Gabriella said immediately afterwards. Not as awkward as your 1990s choker, love.
8. GIRLS CAN WE TIE OUR HAIR UP WHILE IN THE GYM WE HAVE DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE.
9. Finally, is it the law that MIC characters have to meet by water when they need to have :( conversations? I only ask because obviously the Embankment is the favoured spot in London, and Steph and Josh met up at a watery spot in LA last night to discuss things. ‘I’ll answer anything,’ said Josh. What about ‘Why are you such a thundering dullard?’
Next week looks fractionally better on the basis that they all slope off to Vegas. I don’t imagine we can expect Hangover levels of amusement, but, HOORAH, Alik is back, so there’ll be at least one thing to laugh at.