‘Urgh,’ said my flatmate Katie last night as we settled in for another electrifying LA update. ‘Maybe something will actually happen this week.’ Bless Katie, she is a glass half full kind of person.

Of course, nothing happened, because we simply went over old ground over and over and over and over and over (you get the point) again. But I did like the strange American ‘sports’ we were introduced to. A bizarre version of netball, for example, which Nas and Jamie played. Except it wasn’t netball, because they were running with the ball and bouncing it on the spot, which EVERYONE knows you’re not allowed to do. Then they started asking each other weirdly intense questions like ‘Do you see a future with me?’ and ‘How am I different from your other boyfriends?’

It didn’t seem a very fun ball game at ALL. I much prefer netball where you have oranges at half time and cake at the team tea afterwards, but perhaps that’s just me. Also, why is Nas talking like she has been going out with Jamie for years? ‘Things are at a really good place, it’s normal, it’s back,’ she said of their ‘relationship’ at one point. At another juncture she told him, ‘There’s nothing fake, you’ve been genuine since the beginning.’ The beginning, can I remind you all, was five minutes ago. I’ve had longer ‘relationships’ with cups of tea.

Nas was then perturbed to find out that Jess slept in Jamie’s bed one night. Not that anything happened. NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING AT ALL, GOT IT? According to Jess, their group of friends simply ‘sleep’ in each other’s beds all the time, which sounds like a lot of laundry to me. Nas forgave him, however, until shortly afterwards at another weird American game – it looked like a weedy version of rugby, crossed with Morris dancing, because they wore these funny ribbons AND little plasters on their faces while lobbing a ball about. Apparently it was called American Flag Football. This is just TYPICAL of the Americans because they are obsessed with their flag, and some of them even run it up on flagpoles outside their houses, which obviously you are only supposed to do if you live in a castle.

 

Anyway, point being, Nas confronted Jess (whose nose wrinkling thing is starting to get on my tits), Jess got cross, Nas ended things with Jamie, who has decided he has feelings for the nose wrinkler after all. It was awfully hard to take any of these conversations seriously, though, because they were wearing those ludicrous bits of plaster under their eyes.

Elsewhere, Binky is still agonising about her feelings for JP, which means she has now been wanging on about it for far longer than the couple even dated. And also, are Mark Francis and Toff having an affair? I know, I’m not sure Toff is *exactly* his type. But they’ve been diamond shopping and keep appearing together arm-in-arm. And stranger things have happened on this show. Gabriella, for example. Oh, and Jamie played a round of golf in Gucci loafers. What a thundering pillock. But then maybe that’s how they play it in America, given their penchant for these peculiar ball games…