Made in Chelsea LA Special THE LAST ONE

Right first we need to clear up this: it’s actually not illegal to eat an orange in the bath in California, Jamie Laing. I had a quick google. Although if we’re in the market for weird American laws, in Indiana it’s illegal to use public transport for four hours after eating onions or garlic. And in Texas it is illegal to sell your eyeballs. Although in Scotland you can’t be drunk and in charge of a cow, so we’re not much more sensible this side of the pond.

Whatever. GOOD NEWS. That was the last episode of this LA unspecial. ‘It’s a fitting Hollywood finale,’ promised the E4 man just before things kicked off. Well, excuse me, but I’ve never heard such balls in all my life. It was appalling, largely because the entire thing was devoted to JP and Binky and Jess and Jamie, with the odd flash of Olivia and her nipples to perk us all up a bit.

There was an epidemic of confusion this week. ‘She sounds confused,’ said Lucy, after Binky sent a message saying she hated JP but also missed him a bit. Sigh. ‘I’m so confused,’ said JP shortly afterwards. It must be terribly catching, this strain of confusion, because suddenly Alex Moron was at it too: ‘He’s so confusing,’ he said of JP.

Turns out, JP and Binky slept together before she fled back home again which – apparently – makes the whole thing approx. 37292 times worse. QUICK DIAL 911 SOMEONE ON THIS SHOW HAD SEX WITH ANOTHER PERSON ON THIS SHOW. I don’t totally get what all the fuss was about, but maybe it’s illegal to boink in California too. Who knows. So everyone got jolly cross with JP and then there was a marvellous bit where he tried to claim that he was also hurt. Poor baby.

Apart from that, Jamie decided he loves Jess after all. What a bloody brilliant, totally unforeseen plot twist that was. ‘You both play so many games it’s tiring,’ Lucy told Jamie. Yes, PRECISELY, it’s so tiring that watching this episode made me want to go to sleep for a thousand years. And then Jamie confessed all to Jess, but Jess wrinkled her nose and cried and used that old chestnut – ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’

There was also notable madness from Gabriella, roller-blading along the LA streets and then bursting into song with Alik on the beach. I wrote down some of her lyrics: ‘As we sit here, as the day washes away, I feel the sunset, all of my mind tells me I’m waiting, instead there she goes with the white dress,’ she warbled. It’s not too late to rustle up a slot on the X-Factor, is it?

Anyway, basically, the best bit of the episode was the dancing minion because everyone else seemed a bit cheesed off by their extended holiday in LA. ‘It’s been a summer of assholes,’ said Steph, when I really didn’t want to know the details of her sex life. Lucy agreed. ‘It’s time to go back to Chelsea,’ she said, sitting on the beach, when obviously she meant Fulham. Pip pip!