I shouted about this on Twitter over the weekend, but one of the reasons I’m not a fan of January is that it’s full of INCREDIBLY DULL people banging on about their not-drinking resolutions. ‘Oh no, not for me thanks. I’m having a dry January,’ says Boring Bertie when you offer him a tiny thimble of wine. He says this with a smugness that makes you want to poke him in the eye. Goodness they’re tedious. The Boring Berties of the world are the very ones who need an enormous vodka to jolly themselves up a bit.
Anyway, point being, I will be drinking throughout January. Probably throughout February, March, April, May and all the months after that too. I have, however, come up with a few other resolutions which I will be endeavouring to follow for the entire year.
1. I will stop losing hair ties. I mean where do all the hair ties go? I buy approx 5839262 of them a year, and yet is there a single hair tie on my bedside table when I need one? In my bathroom? In my handbag? There is not. This situation cannot go on.
2. I will get a grip over my vitamin obsession. If I’m not buying hair ties, I am buying bottles of vitamins because I read somewhere that Vitamin B would give me glowing skin and swallowing more omegas will stop me getting premature Alzheimer’s and Vitamin Something Else will stop my earlobes getting fat. And then I take these vitamins with all the solemnity of a wartime matron for two weeks, until I get bored and read about something else I must take for skinnier elbows. This situation must also end.
3. I will turn my phone off at night so that I don’t wake up at 3am and check it. I am not the Prime Minister, I work for Tatler. What on earth can have happened in the middle of the night that I need to worry about? Has there been shortage of quails eggs at a party? Has a duke accidentally impaled himself with a salad fork? Has someone’s Labrador savaged one of the peacocks? Whatever. All these crises can wait until the morning.
4. I will stop absent-mindedly sliding the remainder of my supper off a plate into the recycling bin and be too idle to fish it out.
5. I will stop forgetting to take my Oyster card with me in the morning, thus being forced to pay circa £5bn for a one-day travel card.
So there we go, a few things for me to improve on in 2015. I wish you all a very happy new year. Let’s DANCE.