Roses are red, violets are blue, I absolutely promise, I won’t behead YOU

So Valentine’s Day is upon us. I know this because this week I have received circa 38202 witless press releases from PRs on the topic. Here are three of the best:

– Would you ditch your girlfriend for a car? From a company which has conducted a survey revealing that, in the Middle East, 65 per cent of men would get rid of their other half for a Ferrari. It’s brilliant because a Ferrari can’t answer back, see?

Top 5 ways to get dumped this Valentine’s Day. From the UK Gift Card and Voucher Foundation, which appears to think it’s still the 1950s. Don’t buy women household appliances, the press release warns – ‘as if women need any more hints to do housework.’ Chocolate is bad too, says the release, because ‘it doesn’t really help with those new year diets.’

10 foods to enjoy in the bedroom, from a Spanish restaurant chain. Confusingly, they say you *should* eat chocolate. ‘BUT WHAT ABOUT MY NEW YEAR DIET?’ I can hear you cry. Well, nevermind that. According to this press release, ‘there are lots of different varieties [of chocolate] you can try, such as almond chocolate, which is really popular in Spain. Almonds are high in mono-saturated fats, which can increase testosterone levels.’ PHWOARRRR.

Really, the only Valentine’s Day flavoured item you should pay attention to is THIS, written by the splendid Clare Bennett. Normally, I loathe it when people send me ‘funny’ links or ‘funny’ You Tube videos and you think ‘I haven’t got time to watch this video of a kitten singing Let It Go, you CRETIN, because I’m extremely busy doing all my housework.’ But I promise you it’s worth reading Henry VIII’s love letter to Catherine Parr.

Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers.