The Tatler Guide to threesomes

Here is a little something about threesomes wot I wrote in the January issue of Tatler:

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‘Threesomes are always surprisingly noisy,’ explains a young lady with experience in this particular field. ‘Which can be a bit off-putting at first, but then you get used to it.’

Noisy?

‘You know, bits slapping against other bits. In a threesome there are more bits than usual. And the moaning! There’s lots of moaning because people feel like they should do it like they’ve seen in a film.’

It is a useful insight, and timely, because the threesome is enjoying a glorious resurgence. In fact, one is probably happening near you right now, particularly if you live in Dorset, which, our extensive researches have revealed, is quite literally a hotbed of threesome fun. Of course, we are not so naive as to imagine that three-way frolics haven’t been going on since we were wearing revealing fur pelts and rollicking around on cave floors, but the Twentyteen vogue for more-harder-faster does seem to have resulted in increased naughtiness and boundary-pushing. Plus, in this age of the self-confessional and the selfie, people are just more willing to spill. Threesomes may have been happening before; we were just less likely to know about them.

So, chances are, whoever you are and wherever you live, you’ve thought about it. And then you’ve thought: ‘Who with? How do I ask them? Who starts? And isn’t kissing one person while fiddling with another person like trying to pat your head while rubbing your tummy?’

Stop right there. You cannot be uptight about a threesome. It is not a military manoeuvre. The key is spontaneity. You might have tumbled into bed with two friends after a birthday party because you were too drunk to go home, and then hands wandered. You might have been on a villa holiday in Capri and found it impossible to pick between two fellow guests. You might even have kicked off proceedings as a pair and then kindly invited the third person into the fray when they accidentally stumbled into the room looking for their coat.
In sex, as in life, generosity and manners are important – particularly in a threesome. It’s like talking to people on either side of you at a dinner party; you must share your attention equally and not allow anyone to feel left out. A successful threesome is where everyone has, ahem, arrived, at least once, although it doesn’t have to be together.

Much depends on the threesome’s constituent parts. If you are the sole man with two women, and one of them is your girlfriend, do not spend too much time on the other woman’s breasts because they’re a novelty. If you are the sole woman with two men, make sure you have an energy drink to hand. Or you may be one of three men or three women, in which case crack on and we applaud your equal-opportunities policy. The threesome is, above all, terrifically inclusive. ‘I loved the fact that we were all giving mutual handjobs,’ says an Old Marlburian who recently ended up in a threesome with another woman and a mutual male friend at a country dinner party. ‘It was hysterical.’

So, too, are the names of several key threesome positions: Bobbing for Apples, for example, or Daisy Chain, or Doggie Bowl. They sound like a laugh, don’t they? Because that’s ultimately what the threesome should be all about.

Threesomes – the rules…

1. Grooming: same rules as ever, but the stakes have been doubled. Such an embarrassment if you’re the only one who’s let yourself down.
2. Make sure you are tidy inside and out, as it were. You don’t want to have to ring two people afterwards to tell them to make an appointment at the clinic, do you?
3. If you are at someone’s house and fancy a threesome, you must invite the host first. It’s incredibly rude not to.
4. Suddenly too chicken? You can ONLY back out if everyone’s still fully clothed. You can’t wait until you can see the goods on offer and then scarper. That’s poor form.
5. Don’t feel obliged to hang about afterwards. Threesomes are the only time it is acceptable – in fact, positively advisable – to get up and leave without a post-sex cuddle. You’re even allowed a quick shower.
6. When you next bump into the participants – at a party, for example – look them in the eye, kiss them on both cheeks (face cheeks, mind) and act insouciant. This is just so normal for you, right?
7. If you are grown-up enough to do a threesome, you must be grown-up enough to face any consequences if word gets out. Be proud. You are instantly a more interesting dinner guest.
8. A threesome involves three people; a foursome is a Scottish reel. Do not get confused at the Royal Caledonian Ball. Five and beyond is an orgy.
9. If you’re in a relationship, pick your moment to raise the topic. Within the first six months is good, before things get too serious. After that, try asking for one as part of a Christmas or birthday present.
10. If you need help finding willing participants, there is always the threesome app 3nderapp.com.
11. Don’t allow it to happen more than once with the same people, otherwise it becomes a thing.
12. Don’t mistake a threesome for romance.

 

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