I have been ill this week so mostly lying around my new flat melodramatically texting friends asking about the nearest vicar for my last rites. I’m not even Catholic so the gag doesn’t really work. Whatever. Here are some of the things I achieved while sick:

– I lost four pounds, so I recommend the ‘chucking up so hard you think you may lob a kidney into the loo bowl’ diet.

– I did NOT watch Netflix because my broadband unaccountably cut out and according to EE it won’t be back until February. God knows where it’s gone. Barbados maybe, like everybody else.

– Instead I found an old hard drive stacked with films. So I watched Bronson, starring Tom Hardy. It *is* a bit weird to fancy him, I thought, when he’s playing the baddest, most psychotic prisoner in Britain AND he has a moustache like that. But then I decided it wasn’t as bad as my sister, who sat through every episode of The Fall saying she didn’t understand what Jamie Dornan’s victims were complaining about.



– I also watched Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal. Presumably someone has picked up on the similarities between this and 50 Shades and I’m only several years late to spot it. He’s even called Mr Grey. I am shortly embarking on a new S&M-themed project for work though, so it was helpful from that point of view.

– I spent approximately 72926 hours on the phone to British Gas, trying to sort out new gas and electricity accounts. ‘Are you alright madam? You sound like you’re in a bit of a rush?’ asked the British Gas herbert at one point. ‘I’m not in a terrible rush,’ I told him. ‘It’s just that I’ve got the vicar coming round in a tick to administer my last rites.’