Right everyone, let’s make this quick and painless because I got caught on the motorway recently and I’m off to a speed awareness course in Ealing today, wherever that is.
A bit of a dull episode though no? A bit ‘Come on everyone, perk up a bit, you’re not in Poldark scraping a living in a copper mine. You’re mincing about on a scripted reality show eating smoked salmon. Look lively.’ My favourite bits included the discussion about the spare key between Spencer and Lauren. The word ‘key’ was mentioned maybe one billion times. ‘Do you want a key? I don’t mind if you have a key? I’m not sure when you’d use a key. But if you want a key, then you can have a key.’ And so on. I wanted to drive the key into my own face after several minutes of this, but I *think* the upshot was that Lauren WILL have a spare key. She’s just never to use it. What’s going on with Spencer’s hair by the by? Why that blond badger streak? Or is he just going grey BECAUSE HE’S DATING THE SMUGGEST WOMAN IN BRITAIN?
Also, Alik has been eating too many biscuits on the sofa. They looked like chocolate digestives to me, so it’s nice to see him embracing British culture. Louise isn’t down with this embracing of culture, however. Alik’s biscuit habit makes her sad, it makes her cry. Jamie also tried to encourage Alik off the sofa this episode but, after from one brief trip to ingest more calories at a wine tasting, he was back on the sofa again. What can be done to save the poor chap? I’m pretty sure the condition is called ‘being an idle American’, and the cure is to send him back to New York. But hell, I’m by no means a medical expert so he should seek a second opinion.
Apart from spare key and chocolate digestive dramas, the only other bit of tension this week was provided by Jess, one of the new blonde ones, and Fleur, one of the other new blonde ones. So Jess and Andy went on another ‘pretend date’ with Alex and Nicola. And then WOULD YOU BLOODY BELIEVE IT, Fleur goes and texts Andy during the very same dinner. Quite odd of Andy to get his phone out at the table and read it to everyone, but this is the stuff that BAFTA-winning shows are made of. Jess then gets all annoyed about her mate muscling in on her man, and kisses Andy after supper. This kiss gets a lot of airtime. ‘I never normally kiss people on the second date,’ claims Jess. And then everyone falls about in shock when she later tells them she snogged him, as if it was outrageously slutty of her. Come on, people, it was a four-second snog. Worse things have happened at sea and all that.
Anyway, Andy asks Fleur out on a date the very next night. I worry about Fleur’s eyes. They unnerve me. I fear things could go all Fatal Attraction with this love triangle. We shall see.
PS. Can someone lend those girls some hair ties? Rosie, Louise and Steph ALL went spinning with their hair extensions down this week, which gives one a horribly sweaty neck. I’ve got 500 of them floating about in the bottom of my handbag if they need.