Made in Chelsea blog, Series 9 Episode 8

Well, blow me down. We all know what we need to discuss first and that’s Alik’s nightie. Alik’s blue and white stripey nightie. So many questions. Mainly, why? But also why was he not wearing it at Lauren’s revolting slumber party? What does Louise think about porking Rip Van Winkle? What’s wrong with a nice pair of boxers? And also just, WHY?

Alik probably wore his comedy nightie to lighten the moment when he had to tell Louise he might have to return home to the family business, to try and make her cry with laughter instead of actual tears. ‘He’s a good egg,’ Louise had told Rosie earlier that day, declaring how happy she was with Alik. He’s the shape of an egg that’s for sure.

So it’s (maybe) adios to our Yankee friend but a big hello and welcome back to one of my favourite pantomime dames. Mrs Felstead, WHERE have you been all my life? Let us fondly remember some of Mrs Felstead’s best bits, like when she asked Lucy whether Spencer was ‘a fantastic lay’ and inquired about the size of his ‘dick’. This time, she’s advising Binky to ‘take it slowly’ with JP. Not clear whether she’s talking about sexing or the relationship, but it’s too late anyway as Binky’s decided she’s over him. And talking of his dick, there was no sign of Spencer this week so maybe he’s gone hunting for his balls himself.

There was lots of Lauren, however. A bit too much Lauren if you ask me. The girl is drippier than a drippy tap. She’s found a new flat though, which is good news, having apparently told the estate agent that she was after the kind of place that would suit a Russian hooker. It was a riot of velour. Anyone else know why she then decided to throw that grubby slumber party there? Beats me.

That wasn’t the worst bit about this week’s episode though. No, the very worst bit of the show, and maybe the worst bit of the entire show EVER, was the Sam-Tiff-Millie love triangle. Sam, against all odds, seems to have morphed into some kind of lady killer. Not an actual killer, you understand. But one who seems to have two women on the go. I know, incredible. Anyway, there was that weird scene between him, Tiff and Toff outside, which felt so staged it was as it it was a school play and all of them had forgotten their lines. Not that I’m suggesting this show is scripted – AS IF. And then there was a pathetic ding-dong between the unlikely threesome at the fake slumber party.

‘You’ve had sex,’ Tiff said to Millie, who at least had the grace to look a bit ashamed at having boinked Sam.

Millie’s defence? ‘It happened when we were drunk.’

‘Always flattering to hear,’ Sam chipped in. Lolz. Maybe he’s laughing them all into bed, who knows. ‘I’m not on the same page,’ said Tiff. That’s right love, I’m not even sure you’re in the same book. The whole drama was desperately weird.

Meanwhile, on another bed elsewhere, JP was telling Binky he hoped their relationship wasn’t ‘a closed book.’ All these reading metaphors! Particularly strange when it’s unlikely that any of them have ever read a book in the first place.