Now there was talk of ‘dick pics’ in this week’s episode, which was appropriate because only yesterday was I sent the full frontal snap of Alex Mytton that’s doing the rounds. Ding bloody dong is all I can say. His mother must be VERY proud. We can now add that to the list of other MIC dick pics that have previously appeared on social media – Spencer, Jamie, Alik (*it* was being rolled between Louise’s feet, you may recall) and Elliot, who has apparently been sending dick pics to Toff in an effort to woo her. Dinner is more traditional, Elliot, but each to their own.

Anyway, apart from a frisson of excitement over that, there was literally nothing else to get me going last night. Here is an actual timeline:

21.04 The first point at which I shout loudly from my sofa at how boring this episode is. Lucy and Jess are wandering down the street with shopping bags; they pause for one of those entirely unspontaneous conversations. Jess likes Jamie. Heard it all before, booooo-ring.

21.05 I lol hard when Andy is called London’s ultimate womaniser.

21.06 I wonder if James, topless by the pool, is looking weirdly attractive. My flatmate Katie agrees with me.

21.07 Rosie gives some relationship tips to Binky while they have their hair fluffed. I find this odd, considering Rosie was the one who hooked up with that polyamorous pillock in NYC.

21.10 I sigh at Louise’s tears over Alik leaving.

21.08 I text my mum.

21.17 The barbecue at the pub. I wonder if Proudlock is doing that experiment where you don’t wash your hair to see if it starts washing itself.

21.18 My mum texts back about the fennel she had for supper.

21.21 Why is Sam wearing a black jacket and black shirt like a nightclub promoter from Brentford?

21.22 ‘Josh looks hot tonight. His eyes are all shimmery and sparkly,’ says flatmate Katie, who has drunk half a bottle of Rioja.

21.25 ‘Do you think Stevie’s hot? I do,’ says flatmate Katie.

21.33 Rosie hisses ‘You have to tell her,’ at Binky as they have a drink in Louise’s flat.

21.34 Lucy and Tiff start rowing about Sam. I worry that a shooting pain in my left arm means I’m having a stroke. I Google it. I think it might just be a bit sore from my pilates class.

21.37 Rosie tells Louise that Alik doesn’t want a long-distance relationship. Louise starts crying again. Sigh. I quite wish I was having a stroke.

21.39 JP says that people are either radiators or drains, and Jess is a radiator because she exudes warmth. I wonder if I’m a radiator or a drain and decide I must be a radiator, because I have trouble controlling my body temperature at night.

21.41 Alik tells Louise he isn’t having doubts about staying together, they’re just ‘thoughts’. Hmmm.

21.42 I make a mug of Ovaltine because that’s how I roll on Monday nights.

21.48 ALIK IS DOING SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY WITH A TENNIS RACQUET.

21.52 James refers to Tiff as ‘Tiffles’, which makes me feel a bit sick.

21.54 I decide I quite love Toff for the amusing manner in which she ticks off Elliot for his dick pics.

21.57 Jamie is trying to kiss Jess. ‘I don’t like PDAs,’ she bleats. ‘No-one’s watching,’ insists Jamie. No, only the poor remaining viewers who have clung on to the dismal end of this episode.

21.59 Alik tells Louise that ‘the Louise and Alik saga is far from over.’

22.00 Zzzzzzzz…