Made In Chelsea blog, Series 9, Episode God Knows, I’ve Stopped Counting.

Hi all. A quick history lesson, for 2015 is a meaty, double whopper of a year. It’s the 800th anniversary of the Magna Carta. It’s the 600th anniversary of Agincourt in which we walloped the Frogs, and the 200th anniversary of Waterloo when we spanked the poor garlic munchers all over again. And yet perhaps most important of all, this is the week in which we ‘celebrate’ the 100th episode of Made in Chelsea. What a time to be alive!

Given such a significant moment in history, you might think that the producers would give us a real corker of an episode. A blistering hour of drama, give or take the 2618 ad breaks. And yet last night’s show was like what happens when you lose a jolly good sneeze. It’s coming, it’s coming, you take a deep breath and close your eyes in blissful anticipation and then…it’s gone. Nothing. Terribly disappointing that.

Most of this wet fart of an episode was dedicated to that increasingly orange pillock, Spencer, who appears to have become the Pete Doherty of Made in Chelsea. The ‘drama’ centred around the fact that he went for a night out with Jamie and didn’t come home. ‘He’s up to his old tricks,’ sighed the whole cast, tutting as if Spencer had been eating crack all evening when actually ALL he’d been doing was having a few drinks. Oh and ‘kissing’ a random chick at Jamie’s house. Hmm. That is a *bit* bad, but if it means we get rid of that drippy girlfriend of his I think we can agree this ‘random girl’ has done us an enormous favour.

Elsewhere, Louise was a bit :( over Alik’s departure. They had their last supper outside on a picnic rug, during which Alik said without one iota of emotion that he was sorry to go but he had a business to look after. ‘You’re such a hustler,’ said Louise, of the man who hasn’t moved from his sofa for six months. ‘In New York, I’ll be looking at the same stars,’ said Alik, lying back on the rug and staring at the sky. Get an actual grip.

Um. What else? Mrs Felstead was released from her pen for a night of mainlining champagne with the girls. Nicola and Alex sound like they’re heading for splitsville because he’s ‘going out lots’ and we all know what that’s code for, don’t we Spencer? Jess is now deciding her relationship status with Jamie on the basis of Lucy flipping coins. And Mark Francis threw a party to celebrate his new haircut, having sent out cryptic invitations that Sam couldn’t understand.

LUCKILY, Alan Turing cracked it and turned up on the big night, as did the rest of the bunch – drinking and dancing, partying like it’s 2015 to celebrate the fact that they’ve hoodwinked us all into wasting 100 hours of our lives watching them all intermingle their bodily fluids and then cry about it the next day. The ‘climax’? Lauren tossing a frothy drink into Spencer’s face and running down the steps a bit like Kate Hudson does in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Happy anniversary!