I have spent several hours on the train in the past two days, largely spilling those revolting little pots of UHT milk all over myself (WHY are they so impossible to open? WHY do they not make them bigger and less fiddly so you don’t need 11 little pots per cup of tea?).

When I wasn’t spraying milk all over my lap like some sort of deranged dairy fetishist, I was reading various magazines. And as I’m back on another train hurtling south from Northumberland and trying to drone out the conversation of an American pet psychic behind me, I thought you should know about two pieces I liked v much.

Firstly THIS Spectator piece by Douglas Murray, about how the Turkish president is holding Europe hostage (I know it doesn’t sound a laugh a minute, but there is v little in the British press about what’s happening in Turkey ATM and this is a neat snapshot).

Also THIS piece by the New Yorker’s brilliant Lauren Collins on Trump’s wife Melania, which is worth reading for the pants gag alone.

Apparently Melania – as seen above – likes reading too, but only magazines. Although to be fair, she may be capable of opening a small pot of milk without pouring it over herself.