Made in Chelsea LA Special, Episode 1

So to LA. Los Angeles. City of Angels. City of dreams. Not necessarily the city of dreams for mopey Jess and mopey Binky, apparently, but more on that later.

First, let’s address the entirely staged private jet, from which the girls emerged, tossing their nylon manes about like Cecil the lion, RIP. A direct flight, presumably, from Parsons Green to California. Then they climbed into that frightfully vulgar limo – what is this, the Magaluf chapter of Geordie Shore? – and discussed what they wanted from their summer in LA. ‘I’m thinking beaches, boys, barbecues,’ says Binky, swigging from a champagne flute like her mother.

Steph seemed to think they were playing a game where they all had to come up with things beginning with b. ‘We’ll all get boob jobs!’ she added brightly. Literally, WHAT? There are now brainless jellyfish with more intelligence than the Made In Chelsea cast.

Meanwhile, Jamie and JP had already arrived in LA and were mincing about the Hollywood Hills, doing what Americans always insist on calling ‘hiking’, when actually they mean they’re just going for a little walk. Coincidentally, did anyone else think that the entire episode looked like it was shot through Instagram’s ‘Lark’ filter? And I’m already a bit sick of all the Rodeo Drive shots. WE GET IT, THERE ARE SHOPS AND PALM TREES IN LA.

Everyone seems to have forgotten their relationship status on the way over. Is Jess single? Is Binky single? Are Jamie and JP single? No-one’s quite sure. But the way you apparently solve this in LA is by going for one of these ‘hikes’ and walking directly into other ‘hikers’. Jamie and JP pick up two brunettes, as do Toff and Jess. Cruising, this is often called in London parks.

The majority of the episode was devoted to the pool party, where Jamie flirted with Naz, one of the brunettes, and Jess and Binky stood around looking sulky at lack of attention. Come on girls, you’re in LA, perk up a bit. Have a wheatgrass shot or something. And Jess, stop biting your nails. Alex Mytton was sadly also there (without his girlfriend Nicola, and we all know what that means), as was Steph’s boyfriend Josh, and he said some things because his mouth was moving but I can’t remember what they were because he’s so boring that I tune out and check my phone when he talks.

Mark Francis didn’t have time for the pool party because he has to change outfits ‘at least’ five times a day in LA. Also, because he spent the afternoon wandering about a cemetery like an elegant grave-robber. While looking especially forlorn by Cecil B De Mille’s grave, he stumbles across Olivia. Kindred spirits, I’d say, and they leapfrog deftly from the topic of cemeteries to Paris arrondissements. Tres chic!

Anyway, the upshot is the pillocks have safely arrived in LA and are doing exactly what they do in London – chiefly, sitting around talking about themselves. Sweet of JP to give Binky a curry and a pair of golf shoes for her birthday, although I fear this hammed-up storyline between them is going to drag on for the entire ‘special’.

PS. If you’re off to the South of France or Corfu in the next couple of weeks, do try and remember that mosquito bites are now desperately common. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just what Mark Francis said when Binky pointed out a couple on her forehead.