Not being on honeymoon

So one of the funny things about being on my own in the Bahamas, on a work trip, is that I’m surrounded by honeymooning couples who keep looking a bit sadly at me.

‘Jeez, Hank,’ I can hear them thinking. ‘I wonder what’s happened to that poor girl drinking white wine on her own all the time. Maybe she’s just gone through an awful divorce and needed to get away from it all.’

Well, DON’T panic everyone. Here is a picture to prove that I am totally fine and having a B-A-L-L. Also, my hot friend Emily arrives from Florida tomorrow and is shacking up with me, so that’s going to really confuse them.

Novelty hat: the hotel’s.

Novelty sunglasses: from Miami airport, as obviously I left my expensive ones on the plane out here.

Bikini: Victoria’s Secret.

Now, a word about bikinis. We are getting dangerously close to that time of year when all magazines break out their ‘Buy the bikini for your shape!’ issues. ‘Are you shaped like a pear? Are you an apple? Are you shaped like that manky piece of broccoli that’s been in the fridge drawer for eight weeks?’

Reflecting on what kind of fruit or vegetable I look like in a bikini is extremely vexing, which is why I am still wearing the bikinis I bought from Victoria’s Secret a few years ago. So that’s my little tip: if you need to buy a bikini any time soon, try VS because some of their bikinis are great. Good colours, good fits, and not £5m each for a tiny bit of lycra.

The downside, of course, is that you have to venture into a Victoria’s Secret shop to begin with, all of which tend to feel like a weird club that’s been designed simultaneously for pre-teens and pole dancers. But I reckon that’s a small price to pay if it solves the tedium of bikini shopping.