Hello everyone, or hola, as they say in these parts, because I’m on holiday again. Alas, they have televisions in Spain, but next time I’m due a jaunt abroad I might go on an adventure to find some sort of cannibalistic tribe, untouched by civilisation, who merrily spend their lives eating one another as opposed to listening to Binky drone on about JP again. Frankly, they could eat me after this week’s show and I’m not sure I’d mind.

GOOD NEWS THOUGH: Alik is back. He’s still carrying a bit of that biscuit weight and dressing like Nick Carter* circa 1997, but never mind that because he’s as terifically American as ever. ‘The laughter that we’ve had in the past few days!’ said Alik to Louise, wallowing in the pool. ‘I’m so happy,’ squeaked Louise, sitting beside him. But she said it with the air of someone who’s just been given a disappointing present for Christmas – a boring old pair of socks or some haemorrhoid cream, for example – and wasn’t that happy at ALL. ‘I’m so happy it’s crazy,’ replied Alik, trying to out-happy his girlfriend. I tell you what’s crazy, and that’s Louise declaring she’s going to move to NYC at the end of this year. I bet you £1m** that this won’t happen.

Elsewhere, Jess’s septum pierce hasn’t gone septic, you’ll all be delighted to hear. And she’s bumped into a preppy American called Noah who is a model, which is lucky as he’s not much of a conversationalist.

‘How old are you?’ Jess asks him.
’21,’ he replies.
‘You’re really young.’
‘Really young.’
‘How old are you?’
‘I’m 20, which is really annoying.’
‘So you’re really really really young,’ says Noah.

I MEAN MY REMOTE CANNIBALISTIC TRIBE HAS MORE SOPHISTICATED CONVERSATIONS THAN THIS. Also, why is being 20 annoying, Jess? Anyway, they’re welcome to one another but they probably shouldn’t be allowed to breed.

Much of this week’s episode was given over to Vegas, where several of them larked about and went to a pool party. You could pratically smell the STDs floating about in that water, but whatever. There was an awful lot of discussion about the blossoming-slash-already-failing relationship between Nas and Jamie, because Jamie has supposedly been ‘a naughty boy.’ The scene where Jamie and Alex Mytton nearly got married was quite lolz, but then Nas cornered Jamie and asked him outright about whether he’d been with any other girls. ‘I mean I couldn’t put a date on it but I don’t think so, no,’ he stuttered. Which means yes. She cornered him again later, back in LA, while at the same time promising him she wasn’t being ‘super intense’ and psycho. ‘You know me, you know I’m not like that,’ she said. ‘My worry is that you are maybe a bit like that,’ he replies. Can’t wait*** for this drama to play out next week.

What else? The boys had a go at American football, ironically coached by Alik, who should possibly play a bit more himself. James flew over from London, which Lucy was excited about but I wasn’t, because he is the third most boring man in the world after Josh and now Noah, a new entry. Oh and Gabriella’s still drifting about with that blue hair. And that’s all I can think of I’m afraid. I’m off to look for an atlas and plan my next holiday.

*A Backstreet Boy, for our older readers.
** I mean a fiver.
*** I absolutely can wait.